I used to be someone
Recent days only feel like a fall from grace – once having all this promise, potential, being put to use. Now? What has become of me now? Stagnant. On pause. Perhaps, I’m even rewinding.
I’ve taken significant drops in wage, even a career change. To say the line of work I’m in now is a “career change” would be a long shot actually. This is just a dead ended job with no growth. A joke.
It’s a hard pill to swallow and even harder to say, but motherhood has given me these set backs. Who has time for a career or to finish a degree? Not when it’s only me. Who has money for a new car or their own place? Not I. Who kills themselves with work just to get by? Me.
Where’s the growth? If it’s true humans are like flowers that need to bloom – I think my petals are already dried out. Hope still hasn’t found me. Does my depression make me feel this way, or does feeling this way trigger my depression? A toxic cycle either way.
I live in a little room with my baby girl; I serve the general public in disdain. The only constant in my life is change – it feels like I take 2 steps backwards everyday. In my rare moments of free time, maybe a few minutes here or there throughout the day, I use them to cry. It’s all too much, I always feel my tears adding up.