I’m still waiting for the moment when I crave to get away from my newborn like everybody says I will… Eventually. I don’t think it will ever happen to me. Not to say that other mothers who want to get away from their newborns are bad – I can say that I just don’t understand it. Yeah, doing everything one-handed while carrying a baby around has posed itself to be quite difficult, however, I can’t say I’d want it any other way.
This is my child- my legacy. How could a mother possibly want to escape them when they need her. Why shove them on family members or friends when you know that your baby yearns for its mother. It’s primal instinct to me, it has completely taken over. For those reasons alone I feel society is destroying motherhood for me. This beautiful natural instinct, this maternal feeling of protectiveness of joy. Wanting to help my daughter grow and loving every moment witnessing it, yet it’s being robbed of me in today’s world.
I find myself having to choose between daycare or taking odd jobs with graveyard shifts to find ways to manage. If you pick the daycare option you end up handing over your child to a complete stranger for them to raise them while paying basically another rent payment in order to afford it. On the other hand, you can try your best to find a job with the graveyard shift so you can work while they sleep and you still feel so guilty you’re not there to watch them; be next to them, to cuddle them, to make them feel safe. When you arrive home in the morning then it’s time for you to get sleep – hoping that they nap so you can shut your eyes. When all you really want to do is spend every moment with them awake. You tell yourself, maybe I just won’t work… I want to stay home with my child and raise them, that’s a beautiful thing to do. Yet society revolves around money and without it my baby and I have nowhere to live, we have no food to eat, we have no clothes to wear, we have no car to get anywhere. Even if I sat at home trying to collect government benefits to be a stay at home mom none of it is sufficient enough to truly live off of. Being a mother and homemaker in today’s time is all contingent upon having a husband/partner being able to pay your way. If you don’t have the breadwinner whom makes an insane amount of money in order to afford an entire household, well your shit out of luck.
I sacrifice the joys of motherhood just so I can have a place for my child to be and yet I can’t be there at the same time. Bust my ass just to be able to see my daughter for small windows of time during the day. All the while I’m hoping I get those two days off during the week that’s just enough time to tease my motherly instincts. Making me feel like I can truly be there for my daughter until the dreadful thought of work the next day washes over me. Spiraling into more thoughts of knowing these beautiful moments will soon be stripped away from me in a matter of hours. Work, it just gets in the way.
If I went back in time to the primal ages, My only responsibility as a woman would be to take care of my child. I could live off of my motherly instincts and that would’ve given me and my daughter the best life. In today’s world motherhood is a luxury most can not afford. It’d almost be best if you were a mother who would preferred to neglect their child – who does want to be away from getting sick of them – not being able to stand being around them too often. Because that’s what society praises, that’s what society rewards. Don’t want to be around your children? Great! We’ve got tons of shitty jobs you can do to occupy your time and make sure that you and your child are never on the same schedule to see each other! And I know that most women actually do you prefer that and do live their lives that way and enjoy it better. My motherly instincts are extraordinarily strong, exceptionally primal and having those mixed with the way that society works – needing to have money to keep things going… That kills me inside. The sadness that I carry, I cannot overcome it, although I try. I find my free time is just filled with tears feeling like a horrible mother. Feeling as if it was a choice that I picked work over my child – when really it’s no choice at all… It’s forced… I have to. Society to me now… it’s just a prison. I can only enjoy it when I’m let out of my cell which is comparative to clocking out of work.
What a shame my dominant and beautiful motherly instincts are wasted in a world too blind to see the value of it.