F A T H E R

F A T H E R

You set the pace for bad habits.
Having me continually believe I don’t matter.
Seven years since I’ve seen you.
Seven years I’ve been “free.”
It still doesn’t feel like it to me.

I loathe that you influence everything I do.
Without even giving you permission.
You drive my thoughts.
From the back of my brain your trauma triggers the ignition.
Sparks me into remission.
I digress.

To say you’ve hurt me immensely is an understatement.
You’ve destroyed the girl God created.
A monster possessed my soul from a young age.
You opened the gates.

Here I am 25, losing my mind.
Unable to purge the evil inflicted upon me.
Unstable, unrelatable, broken, gone.
Gone for a long time.
Depression, demons – both control my mind.
What of my soul?
The darkness makes damn sure it doesn’t shine.

Can I say you’ve defeated me?
Backed me into a corner.
Set the trend for others to beat on me.
It depends.
I’m still alive – your poison hasn’t killed me off yet.
Although, I can feel it weakening me.
Ripping open a hole through the inner me.
Lord knows people have tried to heal me.

This is what I’ve become.
Even blaming you changes nothing.
Just makes me want to do something.
I’d tell you what affect you’ve had on me – you’d only smile.
You let the devil have his way with me.
You let every man I’ve ever known bruise me.
All I can do is let you be.

I fight, I cry, I stay awake at night.
I’m hurt, I’m shattered.
Left to feel like nothing even matters.

Pills – they don’t do as much as I need them to.
A higher dosage.
Take my feelings away, I’m not meant to have them.
They’re out of control.
I tend to panic.

Can you hear me father?
Do you know the mistakes I’ve made?
Continuing on the cycle for my child one day.
Are you happy with yourself?
Do you love what you have done?
You threw away your first born, because I wasn’t your son.
You’ve treated your second like gold.
It was me, I’m the one you hated.
From the moment I took my first breath.
You took all innocence I had left.

You wielded my fate.
Gave me nothing but gray days.
Shoved my soul down into the darkness.
Stuffed my throat closed.
Gave me no breathing holes.
I suffocated.
Sometime, many years ago.

I drift around now for other evil to grasp me.
I’m a magnet.
It’s easy to snag me.

Ashamed? Yes.
Ashamed of who I am.
Ashamed of what’s been done to me.
Ashamed of what’s become of me.

Father, I hate who you made me be.
Your blood, it’s infused within my body.
Why can’t I ever be free…

My mind.
It imprisons me.

-Your daughter, Hillary.

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